Have you ever noticed just how much easier it is to find things that piss us off about other people? Think about it. Try listing all the things you LIKE then the things you DON'T like and see which list is longer.... Sad huh? Nine times out of ten, unless you're on some serious uppers, people have an easier time being negative all the time than even ATTEMPTING to be positive. I TRY to be positive despite all the bullshit that gets slung this way and where has it gotten me thus far? Yes, my journals may seem negative most of the time but, honestly, anyone who's met me face to face knows I'm pretty layed back and happy most of the time.

That said, I'm fucking tired of snide comments, shit slinging, and people acting like I'm not aware of my fuckups and my flaws. I'm fucking tired of jabs and barbs from people too chickenshit to just say it to my face for the sake of preventing an argument. I'm sick of it. You want to tear me apart? Well, here, I'll do it for you. I am NOT too high and mighty and I'm NOT hiding in a world of my own from my flaws. I work my ass off and yet all people seem to be capable of seeing is the shit I have fucked up in the past or the shit they WANT to see. Then ther's the assumers.. You know what assume does doncha? Makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Now, I never have and never WILL claim, pretend, or let on that I am fucking perfect. I know I'm not and, honestly, NOBODY is. You can be PTA mom of the year with the seemingly perfect Father Knows Best life and you STILL will NOT be perfect. You can be a mulitbillionare tycoon and you STILL won't be perfect. You can be a fucking PRIEST and you'll be far from perfect no matter how much people THINK you are. The point is, EVERYONE has skeletons in their closet, EVERYONE has made mistakes, and EVERYONE has shit they need to work on. Furthermore, people need to learn to learn the ENTIRE story rather than just popping off with the first verbal diarrhea that their brain barfs up.

Ok, my flaws:

* I can be self-centered. WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!? There's not ONE person out there that's NEVER EVER EVER EVER been and NEVER EVER EVER is. Deny it all you will but we ALL are from time to time and it's most frequently confused with a conflict of priorities. I may not think the shit you think is just as important as you do.

*I am overweight.... so is 65% of the United States population.... Don't beleive me? Have a look!! The CDC Do I like it? No I don't. Am I working to improve it? Yes. I'm working on alot of shit that needs to change to make me a healthier person and it doesn't happen over night. If you honestly think that one can have a supermodel body overnight, you're a fucking idiot who watches too many commercials. Sure, you CAN lose weight FAST but, it's hideously bad for your body. Don't beleive me? CaloriesPerHour.com If ya don't like the way I look then, simple solution, DON'T LOOK. I don't like it and that's enough I don't need some fucking toads telling me what I already know, fuck you very much.

*I am stubborn. Yes, I am as stubborn as it fucking gets. I'm proud, I'm stubborn, but I'm not unreasonable. If I am right, I am right and that's the end of it. You can argue till your fucking face falls off and I will NOT give in. Call it a Taurus thing, call me a bitch, but I won't budge. If I'm wrong, I'll admit it. I'll eventually apologize for it too.

*I can be a bitch. Another one of those "WHO THE FUCK ISN'T/CAN'T BE?!?!?!?!?" things. Everyone has their days. Everyone has their moments so why the hell should I be any different? Last time I checked I was human and I was permitted to have ALL the emotions of life and not just the good ones. If you don't like me when I'm having a bad day and you want to hate me for it then so be it. I don't expect ANYONE to kiss my ass when I'm having a shitty time but snide ass comments and that sort of shit sure as hell aren't going to make it any better. The best bet is to just leave me the fuck alone about it.

*I'm not a perfect mother. Name ONE single parent who is fucking PERFECT. I mean never made a mistake, never lost her/his temper, Leave it to Beaver, PERFECT parent. Name me one..... I'm waiting.... anyone? Didn't think so. Yes, my three eldest kids are living with their father in New Mexico and I'm in California. I left them with their dad because, when I left, I didn't know where I was going to end up nor did I know how stable I was going to be. The divource went through, he got custody because I failed to appear/file an appeal before the court date NOT because of anything negative I did. You want to beleive whatever gets said, then so be it but that's MY side of it. My kids know that mommy and daddy broke up because we didn't get along anymore. They know I love them VERY VERY much and that is ALL that fucking matters. I've had a few comments and snide jabs along the lines that my kids are not a priority.... FUCK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH!!!!! My kids are very much a HIGH HIGH HIGH priority in my life. Yeah, I don't talk to them as much as I should and No I haven't seen them in 5 goddamned years but that DOES NOT mean that I don't care about them and ANYONE who makes that assumption is a fucking idiot. I haven't gone to see them because of several different reasons and here they are:
1) Lack of funds. Yes, I've gotten tattoos and other things during that time and yes that money could have been put aside to get down there BUT money is not the ONLY issue and, since income is finally picking up, we ARE saving up for a trip and we ARE going to be getting plans in motion for it. Doubters, beleive it when you see it. I could care less what YOU think.
2) Work.... yes... work... imagine that. My hubby is the sole breadwinner. I stay home and take care of our son BECAUSE any job I can get here in Cali won't pay me jack shit and all the funds would go to paying for daycare. The family is too busy with their own shit to be able to take care of him full time so that option is out. California doesn't pay for daycare and shit unless you're making minimum wage, have to pay rent and a certain amount of other expenses, and several other limitations. If I am wrong, please do let me know. Since he is the only wage-maker, income is TIGHT and time off has to be arranged. He takes time off, we lose money. We lose money, we can't pay bills let alone go anywhere and I want him to be with me when I go down there for reasons that are my own. Judge me all you will but I don't trust ALOT of people in that part of the world and for damn good reasons.
3) Events out of my Control: You know... like deaths/ illnesses/ drama in the family. Yeah... I do have a family out here that I care DEEPLY about. Then there was the EVICTION we went through last year, moving to another state so we could try starting a better life for ourselves, four deaths in one year the year before... I could go on and on and on but those making the comments don't really seem to give a fuck about that. They'd rather sling shit at me.
Love me or hate me, those are my reasons and, furthermore, kiss off. My kids know I love them. They know I care about them and think of them constantly and THEY are the ONLY ones who matter. Hate me all you want, I really don't care. I know I'm going to get a "Then why don't you miracle your ass down here" or "Why don't you try harder then?!?!? I would _________________ if I was going through this!!!" comment, but you're not in my shoes so fuck off. Just because I don't talk about EVERY little thing going on in my life doesn't mean that nothing is happening.
4) I didn't feel Phealon would do well on a trip that long. Think about it... traveling with a little baby to a place he's never been to miles away from his pediatrician, family, and familiar surroundings... Yeah.. not smart. Phealon has alot of problems with allergies and I didn't want to risk it until he got older. Call it a cop-out if you will but it's true

*I can have a short fuse: A flaw I've dealt with all my life and am convinced is genetic. I am getting better but it's not just something you can just kick aside. Some people are just short fused, that's just the way it is. If you don't like my temper, then don't piss me off. Pretty simple. It's not easy to piss me off but, those who have, have done stupid shit they HAD to know would piss me off. That could apply to ANYONE really. If you don't want people jumping all over your ass, then don't do anything that's going to piss them off.

*I am a loner: Dunno if that's a flaw but, it's my blog so I'll talk about it if I want to. In all honesty, I really don't like being around massive groups of people. I SERIUOSLY prefer a night home with my hubby over a massive party or anything like that. Yeah, I love concerts and that sort of thing but, all in all, I prefer to be either alone or with just a few people. I HATE big crowds especially when it's people I don't really know.

*I hold back alot: Verbally, I really do. I talk more in written form than I do verbally. I have an easier time writing it all out than I do talking it out. I dunno if that comes from living where I was expected to be quiet all the time or if it is just how I am, but that's how it is. When someone irritates me, I tend to push it down rather than talk about it because of reasons I sure can't figure out. I'm not afraid of people, I'm not afraid of even being yelled at... I dunno. I just bottle until I finally explode and the whole world finds out I'm pissed. lol I guess it's a desire to preserve the peace rather than spend my days fighting with the world. I've gone through that phase already and dammit I'm tired of it. There are better ways to handle things.

*I USED TO BE a compulsive liar: Yes, I admit it openly. Why? In hopes that it'll help someone else. I know all too well how hard it is to break out of it. I know the heartbreak, I know the pain you go through when it seems like you just can't stop. There's actually serious research done about compulsive lying and what causes it and why people do it. Article. I fucked up alot of things in my past and I'll admit it right out. I know I fucked up and I have apologized to those involved. Weather they want to forgive me for it is their business but I am at peace with my self for it. It's been a very long time and I know why I did it back then so much. Not going into it here tho.

*I sometimes fuck up priorities: yet ANOTHER "Who doesn't from time to time?!?!?" things. Yeah, sometimes that seriously fucks things up for people but there are times you just have to be selfish and do something flat out for YOU so long as it doesn't do SERIOUS damage to anyone else. No, I'm not talking about going to a bar rather than feeding your kids or any shit like that. I'm talking about saying, "Y'know what? I'm going to get/do/buy _____________ and just pay the majority of ___________" Irresponsible? Yes and definitely not something to make a habit out of but sometimes, when times have been tough for a long period, some people NEED to do something just for them. Like when my mother in law would take a few days and leave Granny in the care of her sister. Yeah, they needed the money but she HAD to get out for a while.. same concept. I wouldn't do it if if would cost me something vital, I'll explain it that way. I'm not going to go get a tattoo or whatever if it's going to cost me something serious. Anyone says one SINGLE thing about the kids, I'm going to punch them. That is NOT what I'm talking about.

*I can be selfish: Yeah... I sure as fuck can. When my hubby is on his days off, especially now that he's back to a full 40 a week, I want to spend every moment I can with him. I love my husband VERY much, hence the reason he's my hubby. I'm not saying I won't let him spend time with his brothers/friends/etc (he's just as about spending time with me as I am with him so we're all good there for the most part.) but, when he's home with me without plans, I want him to spend time with me and can get kinda snippy when he's occupied with other things. Yeah, it's stupid, yeah it's selfish but, that's why it's listed here and also why I'm working on it.

*I don't take care of myself: Yes, I'm working on improving it but I don't take care of myself. Yeah, I bathe and all that but, for instance, I haven't been to a doctor since my 6 week check up after Phealon was born 5 years ago. I haven't been to a dentist since right after Madeline was born 7 years ago... I've got several bad teeth but I still don't go (mainly because I can't afford it). I smoke WAY too much. It seems like every time I try to quit I end up smoking more... I'm going to give it another shot soon tho. I don't drink enough water (maby 1 16oz glass a day if any). I eat once, maby twice a day at most. I'm finally on a good sleep schedule but insomnia is still an issue for me because it is VERY easily triggered. I don't exercise as much as I should but I DO walk alot and I DO stay as active as I can. I'm not lying when I tell people I have an old pressure fracture in my spine (L5 vertebre to be exact). Nothing was ever done about it and CAN'T be at this point until I lose weight and hit a certain age so, at this point, I can only do so much before I HAVE to sit down. If I don't sit down, pain beyond reason hits me in the hips, knees, lower back, shoulders, and down both legs. Yes, I am full aware that some of that is weight but the majority is nerve damage. Once again, call it a cop-out but it's true. Pain tells you that shits working but it also tells you to STOP when it gets to a certain point.

I could keep going but those are the major ones. If you are a true friend, then you can see through all my flaws and still be there fo rme. If you're not and you read this and bail then you weren't much of a friend to begin with.

In closing, I think Marylin Monroe said it the best.

"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
— Marilyn Monroe